Glee: Valentine's Day is for suckers
"We're here to celebrate my storyline being relevant to the overall plot."
Now this is more like it! Glee went back to basics with an episode about the kids acting like kids, the music making sense in the context of the episode, and so many great lines that we almost felt like just transcribing the whole darn thing. Sure, there were a couple of problems -- what was with Tina's meltdown, and where was Sue? -- but overall, we loved it.
Puck and Lauren
We discover the roots of Puck's attraction to Lauren -- she was unimpressed with his kissing. He's never met a woman who could resist his charms, and he decides he's in love.
So it's a perfect opportunity when Schue asks the kids to sing their ultimate love song to the club, right? Well, this is Puck we're talking about, and he decides to serenade Lauren with "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen. It's a rocking rendition, and he doesn't get why Lauren isn't thrilled. "That was the first time anyone's ever sang me a love song," Lauren says, "and it made me feel like crap." Doh!
He keeps trying, eventually getting her to agree to meet him at Breadstix for a pre-Valentine's date. Why pre-Valentine? "Because our mouths are going to be too busy macking out on Valentines Day to eat anything," he tells her. Alas, Lauren stands him up (he takes solace by making out with a waitress). She tells him on V-Day that she's not looking for a fling -- she wants something real, so they need to take it slow. Puck reluctantly agrees.
Read on for Santana's bad behavior, Kurt's crush and a bevy of quotes!
Finn, Quinn, Sam and Rachel
Finn decides he'll get Quinn back if he gets her to kiss him again, so he decides to set up a kissing booth to earn money for the glee club. (What a philanthropist!) After all, he's the closest thing the gleeks have to a celebrity... After Sam sees Quinn and Finn in a kiss-adjacent position, he asks Quinn why she's the only girl not lining up at the kissing booth. To make him happy, Quinn kisses Finn (with Sam watching.) Mistake: There were fireworks behind that kiss. Now she's sneaking around on Sam, and meeting Finn in the auditorium for a heavy makeout session. Oh, Quinny...
Meanwhile, Rachel decides she's over Finn (she wants to channel her pain and loneliness into her art) but that lasts all of five seconds. Finn gives her a peck on the cheek at the kissing booth, and Rachel loses it. Finn redeems himself by giving her his Christmas present (bought before the breakup) -- a star necklace. "You don't need me or any other guy to anchor you to Lima," Finn says. "You're a real star and you need to shine. Just because I can't be with you doesn't mean I don't believe in you." Good speech, Finn, but what's more persuasive is Rachel finding out Finn saw fireworks when he kissed Quinn, but he hardly was able to light a sparkler with Rachel's kisses. Hey, at least she gets a decent song out of it -- although what's with all the Katy Perry?
Kurt and Blaine
Kurt is thrilled when Blaine says he wants to use V-Day to confess his love to a guy he's friends with... one he hasn't know for long... OBVIOUSLY that's Kurt, right? Right? Sorry, sweetie -- it's Jeremiah, an assistant manager at The Gap. Kurt is horrified that he basically made up a whole relationship with Blaine in his head.
Blaine gets The Warblers to take a field trip to the mall so he can serenade the object of his affection with Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone." The customers love it, but Jeremiah seems embarrassed, and his manager is not pleased. He gets fired, and tells Blaine that he didn't appreciate the outing. Plus, he's not that into Blaine -- Blaine basically made up the whole relationship in his head. Sound familiar? On the upside, Kurt tells Blaine that he's going through the same thing... with him.
The gleeks call Santana out for being such a bee-yotch, and she doesn't take it well. Even worse, everyone else in Glee seems to be in love, while she's all alone. She tries to convince herself that Puck is chasing Lauren to make her jealous, but that doesn't go well -- especially when things get physical. Santana thinks Lauren will be scared because she's from "Lima Heights adjacent -- the wrong side of the tracks!" Wasn't Santana listening on Sunday when Lauren said she'd gotten offers from three pro wrestling organizations? Lauren stomps her to paste.
But Santana isn't down for the count. When she sees Quinn's queen-bee smirk and Finn's guilty gasface, she realizes that they're sneaking around. So she kits herself up as a candy striper, steals some germs from a mono-infected student (who is more than happy to help), and infects Finn, who then infects Quinn. Busted! But while that revenge is satisfying, it still doesn't get her a date for V-Day. Or does it? She manages to give a little wave to Sam, who's also alone for the day, while they eat at separate tables at Breadstix.
Because of course, everyone ends up at Breadstix. How could they resist? Lauren and Puck are there as friends; Artie and Brittany are sharing a lovers' table; Rachel and Mercedes are working their single-ladies vibe across form Tina and Mike; and Kurt brings the Warblers out for a V-Day lonely-hearts rendition of "Silly Love Songs." And what's wrong with that, I'd like to know...
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Artie and Mike performed Michael Jackson's "PYT" for their ladies. Tina sang "My Funny Valentine" to Mike, and broke down into a blubbering mess. What's the deal? Was she overcome with love for him, or is she feeling guilty about something?
Puck gives Lauren a box of chocolates and gazes at her longingly throughout the class ("geometry or English or something" -- hee!)
Lauren: Stare at me again and I'll break your nuts. Also, these candies you gave me, they sucked.
Puck: But you ate all of them.
Lauren: I had to make sure they all sucked.
Flashback to the supply closet for seven minutes of heaven:
Lauren: You're really not good at this, and kind of scrawny.
Puck: You gotta be kidding me.
Lauren: Yeah, you're not turning me on at all. Later, sad sack.
Puck: But that was only three minutes!
Lauren: Three minutes I'll never get back.
Santana: I've kissed Finn, and can I just say, not worth a buck. I would, however, pay $100 to jiggle one of his man-boobs.
Finn: Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down?
Santana: No, not really.
Finn: Because you always seem to be meddling in other people's business.
Santana: Oh please, you guys love me. I keep it real and I'm hilarious.
Lauren: Actually, you're just a bitch.
Quinn: All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.
Tina: Five minutes ago you said Mr. Schue belonged in a 12-step program.
Schue: Wait, what?
Santana: You're addicted to vests.
Rachel: Truth is, Santana, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Maybe you're right, maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical version of "Willow," but the only job you're going to have is working on a pole.
Santana, sobbing after the verbal smackdown: I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck, you know? No one gets it!
The Warbler's president: The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927, when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven warblers during an impromptu rendition of "Welcome to Ohio Lucky Lindy"
Random Warbler: You mock us, sir!
Kurt, explaining the tough rooms he's worked before: I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once.
Becky, to Finn, at the kissing booth: I want tongue.
We love how Beiste throws Santana over her shoulder to take her to the nurse's office after Lauren's smackdown.
Blaine, on the object of his affection: If he and I got married, The Gap would give me a 50-percent discount.
Jeremiah: No one here knows I'm gay.
Kurt: Can I be honest? Just with the hair, I think they do.
Santana: Please. I've had mono so many times it turned into stereo.
Puck: What is this place?
Lauren: It's the library.
Blaine: I don't think I've ever made that big a fool out of myself. Which is really saying something, because I'm performed at theme parks.
Quinn: I've cheated twice in my life. The first time I got pregnant, the second time I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.
Kurt: Welcome to my first-ever lonely hearts club dinner. Whether you are single with hope or madly in love but here because I forced you to come and support me, sit back and enjoy. And all you singles out there: This is our year.
So, it's Kurt's dinner, but Blaine is still the lead singer? Harumph.
We don't think The Gap would appreciate people stepping all over their merchandise.
What did you think? Awesome ep, or do you look around you and you see it isn't so? Talk about it in the comments!