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Let's drink to non-realistic high school experiences
Apparently the kids at McKinley High are getting drunk in the halls, which is something we never really experienced. We were brazen and stupid, but not that brazen and stupid. So Figgins has an idea: The glee club will perform a number to inspire the students not to drink. But we're just as stumped as Schue on what to pick, since most songs involving the sauce either glorify it or are colossally depressing.

Also, we don't want to sound like pervs, but since when have the glee kids been so hot? "Blame It On The Alcohol" looked like the coolest club in the world and we definitely want Tina's shiny black dress. Again, it used an improbably expensive set for kids who allegedly can't afford to go to New York, but we'd take a spin on that circle couch for a drink with Brittany anytime.

Let's drink to real problems
It wasn't all Bloody Marys and wine coolers this week. Schue is still dealing with the fact that he isn't over Emma, Kurt and Burt have to hash out some semblance of a sex talk, and the teachers have to figure out a way to talk to the kids about drinking and still be realistic about it.

To deal with his issues, Schue agrees to cut loose with Beiste, resulting in a honky-tonk bar, a fun but kind of underwhelming George Thorogood cover and an honest talk about drinking with Beiste. Drinking actually is fun, she says, and the kids are going to try it no matter what their teachers or parents say. The best they can do is tell the students to do it safely and responsibly. Schue then slurs something about how getting drunk is harmless when you're not driving, then proves himself wrong by trying to drunk-dial Emma and accidentally getting Sue. Too bad Beiste checked out -- friends shouldn't let friends drink and dial.

Meanwhile, the Hummels are having their own issues when Burt finds a hungover and fully-dressed Blaine in Kurt's bed. Both make excellent points: Burt says that Kurt's sexual orientation doesn't exclude him from the basic rules of sex under your parent's roof and Kurt says he can't have a proper sex talk with his dad if Burt doesn't even know what gay sex entails. Looks like it's time for an "Our Body, Ourselves" study session.

Let's drink to...wow, we must be pretty drunk by now
Like all story lines involving alcohol, the club's boozy indiscretions come back to bite them in the ass...sort of. After making out at Rachel's party, Rachel and Blaine decide to go on a date and test Blaine's sexuality whilst sober. Kurt's a bit soured on the idea, but Blaine asks his friend to be understanding -- he's just a teenager who doesn't really know who he is yet, or who he wants. Lucky for everyone except maybe Rachel, the dry lip-lock does nothing for Blaine and Rachel can add him to the sure-to-be-growing list as her first gay boyfriend.

The day of the alcohol awareness assembly arrives and the gleeks have settled on Ke$ha, naturally. Jitters settle in and Rachel has brought some calming mixed drinks/Anthrax. Brittany makes any even better Ke$ha than Ke$ha, and we mean that talent-wise, not over-the-top drunk-wise. Can we secretly replace them so we never have to see Ke$ha's clown painted, beer-sweats-smeared face again? The kids pay for Rachel's punishing brew by seemingly vomiting wet concrete onstage, but get away with it after the gastrointestinal pyrotechnics scare every kid in school away from the demon alcohol.

Schue also gets his comeuppance when Sue blasts his drunk dial all over the PA system. We're not sure what's funnier: The fact that Schue thought of Emma while riding a mechanical bull or Becky's overly enthusiastic glockenspiel tribute to "Grease."

What did you guys think? Did the writers have an appropriate approach to teenage and adult drinking? Did you think Blaine really would be attracted to Rachel? Are you even more jealous of Brittany's abs now? Comment away!

Notes n' Quotes

Sue: Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual who coaches Oral Intensity had a terrible fall down the stairs.

Rachel: I've never even had a drink!
Finn: Seriously? That's why I never got past second base...

Mercedes: Tell them I'll go if they go.
Artie: Tell them yourself, I ain't no pony express.

Finn: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history.

Zizes: Who told you that hairstyle was cool, Geronimo???

Santana: Hey honeys? I's not a Be Red commercial. No me gusta!

Santana: I've been dry-heaving all weekend and when my mother asked what that sound was, I said I was practicing bird calls.

Mike: I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.

Artie: I brought some Bloody Marys, ya'll.
Mercedes: Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is drink.
Artie: It'll help your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit. Your. Ass.
(We're so sure he'd be dispensing the sauce in the hallway. Nice try, kids.)

Rachel: Mr. Shue? First of all that vest is very cute. You're all kinds of awesome.

Beiste: You ain't lived till you've seen me in a COWBOY HAAAAAAT.

Schue: Yay, happy face! Valiant effort! I don't even know who you ARE.

Schue: Sue, I do not have a drinking problem
Sue: Really? Then what's with the Corey Hart impression?

Burt: I sat through that whole "Brokeback Mountain," and something went down in that tent.

Figgins: Unfortunately Olympia Dukakis couldn't be here because of disinterest.

Brittany: Ke$ha has been a musical icon for weeks and I really want to do her music justice.

Sue: There is simply one person to blame: the alcoholic teen vomit fetishist, Will Schuester.

Blaine: Huh. Yep. I'm gay. 100 percent gay. Thanks for clearing that up, Rachel.

Final Thoughts

• Figgins needs to stop ending every preachy statement with "Will!" Seriously. We're counting next time.
• We were terrified Rachel was actually singing to her scrunchie.
• Santana bursting into tears was probably the best moment of the episode, if only because it was followed up by "KISS ME! KISS ME!"
• No teenagers like Bloody Marys. It's a law of nature.
• Carole King is a great role model, but was that dress entirely necessary? Rachel looked like she wandered off one of those polygamy communes.
• Rachel's party actually did make us nostalgic for high school, a feat nothing else has been able to do. Then we saw Beiste in a cowboy hat and thanked our lucky stars we're actually adults.