By, Larry Potash
FATHER'S DAY IS SUNDAY ...AND DAD..YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER EVERY QUESTION YOUR CHILD HAS.
WHEN WENDELL JAMIESON'S SON ASKED HIM, "CAN I COOK MY SISTER?"
HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO NEED SOME HELP WITH THE MORE COMPLICATED QUESTIONS IN LIFE.
SO HE WROTE THIS:
"Is John Dean nice?"
HIS SON DEAN ASKS:
"Why is the road always wet in car commercials?"
"Wetting the pavement makes it more "black" and allows the car to pop off of it in photographs."---Jim Lesser, exec. creative director, BBDO West advertising
SEVEN YEAR OLD ALYSSA ASKS:
"Why do they put clothes on people who die? No one's going to see them."
It's a custom with us. It is to show respect. My father always said that when we have the last accounting in Heaven, he doesn't want anyone standing there in the nude."----Bill Bromirski, mortician
"What does 'sexy' mean?"
"A matching bra and panty that fits well and is not overdone or gaudy-looking. It will give her nice cleavage and uplift."--Eyvette Manigault, The Town Shop,
"If a black hole sucks in everything, why doesn't it suck in the black part of the hole?"
''A black hole's darkness isn't an actual thing, it is the absence of a thing--light. While matter and energy can be pulled into a black hole, because darkness itself isn't a thing, it cannot be sucked into the black hole."- ----W.Scott Kardel, astronomer,
I have seen a lot of strange things here at the ol' number 9.
A midget KISS tribute band, a 4-yr-old baby drummer, a herd of acrobatic cats, a German gay heavy metal band,
a chimp that plays poker, and a transvestite Cher-impersonator to name just a few.
Sadly, all of these things happened a couple years ago before we started putting clips from our morning news show on the website.
If you visit our website now, you'll see that we put everything on it, whether it's from our newscast or not.
Especially stuff that involves girls in bikinis. Those FHM or Maxim photo galleries get all kinds of hits.
Which reminds me of an old saying about the 4 things that will always get you ratings on television news...teets, tots, vets, and pets.
Well, yesterday we had all four on our show yesterday.
We had Hooter girls in tiny bikinis.
We had some veteran employees without their shirts on playing poker with Robin.
We had Ana with her little girl at Millennium Park with the Wiggleworms.
And we had a pet owner reunited with her cute doggie.
Let's take a look at the website overnight ratings on all four of these segments:
Hooter Girls - 399 hits
Ana's kid - did not show up in the top 59 clip list.
Shirtless Vets - 933 hits
Pet Reunion - 91 hits
Are you kidding me???
Man-breasts beat fake boobs?
Man-boobs clobber puppies?
And apparently, moobs smother Ana and her darling daughter with Wiggleworms.
(Easy, Ana. I'm being a smartypants. But, maybe you should have been breast feeding during your segments yesterday? I kid, I kid.)
Well, here's my idea.
Starting Monday, I propose that we do the entire program topless.
Except maybe Paul Konrad.
He has a hairy third nipple that is quite unpleasant to look at.
Jeff Hoover, Segment Producer
By, Larry Potash
You may recall we interviewed James Van Praagh on the show last week. His appearance always generates a lot of feedback. The "behind the scenes story" is that he asked the make-up artist "Is that &*%$# Potash going to interview me?"
"Why do you call him that?" the make-up artist inquired.
"Because he's not a believer!" said Van Praagh.
(How spiritual of him.)
There's an old saying: "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence."
No "psychic has ever passed scientific scrutiny."
Van P claims his "ability" is beyond scientific scrutiny.
I suppose that's fine if there are no consequences to his predictions...but would you get on a plane built on "intuition?" Would you let someone who didn't go to heart-surgery school to perform heart surgery on you based on the info he was channeling from the greatest heart surgeons in heaven?
The Center for Inquiry West in
"If he says he doesn't need it or do that for money," said Underdown, "ask him how much he charges for a reading."
People like to pass of "intuition" as supernatural. It's not.
"Intuition can be explained scientifically in terms of thoughts, experiences and memories that may give subconcious clues to a person about another person or situation," Underdown said. "If Van Praagh is hearing info from an alleged other realm, that info should be accurate all the time."
James Van Praagh's "powers" may not be what they seem. Here are some simple hints you can use to evaluate his performance.
1. Demand Specifics
a. Mary is not Margaret, Marie, or Maria
2. Count the Missed Guesses
a. The correct guesses pale when compared to the wrong answers
3. Beware of Generalities
a. Most people in a given culture experience fairly similar lives
4. Be Conscious of Giving Information When Being Read
a. If a psychic asks questions, you are giving the answers, not him or her
5. Watch for a Shift in Direction
a. Do they jump to another subject when they hit a dead end?
6. Ask for Last Names
a. Everyone knows a John, a Mike, a Sue, a Mary or a Pat
7. Don't React!
a. Psychics use your visual clues to assess if they're on the right track
8. Who, Specifically, is the Guess Aimed at?
a. A guess directed at couples or groups is more likely to be correct
9. Remember Why People Go to Psychics
a. Psychics are like police stations, psychiatry offices and hospitals - most people go there with a problem. Love, money, job, health, grief are the most common reasons, and psychics know this.
Here's THE CFI fake test which reveals some tricks...
Legend-friggin-dary actor David Carradine was a handful for a producer like me. I had the pleasure of booking him multiple times on our morning news show. Yes, morning. That is probably not the best time of day for an old school Hollywood rebel.
Back in 2008, he appeared on our show to promote a really bad caveman movie and when I came to the green room to greet him, the lights were off except for the glow of the television. He was standing with his back to me and he turned around when he heard me say good morning. He just stared at me and went for something in his pocket. He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and pulled one out and let it hang from his lip. I didn't know what to do as he then pulled out his lighter. Finally, as he was about to light the cigarette, I asked him nicely to not smoke in the green room and tried to get him to follow me outside to a smoking area. He didn't budge. He lit that sucker up and inhaled a long drag and exhaled in my direction and said, "What are you going to do about it?"
HOLY CRAP ! He was right. What was I going to do about it? I stammered like a complete dork.
"Oh, will you please smoke outside? I really would appreciate it if you would take that outside. There are other guests that are using this green room this morning, etc
He walked towards me, leaving the light of the flickering television and into the hallway while I backed up waiting and trying to prepare myself for a flying scissor kick or something.
He said, "I don't listen to anybody. Directors, wives, nobody. Why would I listen now?"
Again. Why would he listen to me? I could have settled it by saying that his segment was cancelled and run away. But, we had teased his appearance all morning long. Plus, he would have been happier by not having to go on our show and try to muster up the energy to promote a stupid caveman movie.
He went on about the bad choices he has made in his life and his career as he finished his cigarette in our hallowed hallway outside the Bozo studio. I was smitten. It hit me. His role in life was more than Kung Fu and Kill Bill...and a caveman movie. His greatest role was being a badass. I was just another guy lucky enough to get close to the fire without getting burned.
Rest in peace, David Carradine. Although knowing him, he will not rest. He will chain smoke, binge drink and drop the F bomb forever.
- Jeff Hoover, Morning Show Segment Producer
If National Geographic can show a lion chasing, and then eating the raw flesh of, an antelope, then I can show the video I did today. It involves a wayward pigeon, and a cricket ball travelling at a high speed. For those who don't know what cricket is, it's like baseball, except the batters wear facemasks. Needless to say, the pigeon didn't survive this encounter, and they had to spray the field before resuming play.